Wednesday, September 3, 2008

On This Week's Episode of the RNC....

I took some magnesium before tonight's episode and will eat dinner afterwards, so let's see if that helps with my stomach.  Okay the show is starting:

5:30 Meg Whitman speaks
She is the campaign co chair and former CEO of E Bay

"My mom inspired me," she says. Okay, we're warming up for Palin, "And mom believed in America". Because mom's know best and we should probably elect one.

Somebody waves a banner, "Catholics for McCain."

5:40 PM Carly Fiorina is at the Podium
Former CEO of Hewlett Packard and McCain Advisor

Are these all the women that have more experience who weren't nominated for VP?

Also, I'd be curious to know EBAY and HP's outsourcing percentages to other countries considering this platform is supposedly about AMERICA. If anyone knows, let me know. Or I could just call customer service, now couldn't I, and see what country answers.

Carly talks about McCain's love of country. Because you can only love this country if you're locked up for 5 years. She calls him a maverick. This is what's called "branding".

6:10 PM Mitt Romney takes the stage.
The Mormon Church recently gave $2 million dollars to the campaign against our marriage rights battle here in California. Make sure to vote NO ON 8.

They also tried to claim millions of Jews in their databases as Mormon. Including Anne Frank. Which of course, pissed off the Jews. I mean... really.

6:17 "Where the kids are raised in schools free of pornography. With family values in a family with a mom and a dad" Is he slamming us? Also, don't talk like this if you don't want us to pick on Palin and her kids. Not to mention Cindy McCain stealing drugs from a non profit she ran when she was a drug addict. And I believe she had a mom and a dad.

"It's time for a party of big ideas. Not Big Brother."
Um...which party wiretapped everyone in the entire country against their will and against the constitution? And the Patriot Act? Are you kidding me, Mr Romney? Your party is what writers like Orwell and Huxley wrote about and warned against. Dumb down the country and force feed them propaganda and make sure they are always struggling so they don't have the time or the strength to question anything. Super plus good, me thinks.

To save energy "let's keep Al Gore's private jet on the ground!"
Why didn't you say this to Keating when McCain was flying around in his jets?

And how dare you attack a greater man. You guys stole the election from Gore and instead of retiring away in frustration, he made a documentary to get his ideas out to the American people. They saw it and it finally made change and woke up this country and the world to global warming. And republicans, even if you don't believe in that, you should still recycle and use less oil and energy. It's just polite.

"In this party we prefer straight talk to politically-correct talk." Is he picking on gays? I can never tell. He's implying that it's okay to not call nationalities by a slur?  I'm afraid of what would come out of these people's mouths if they stopped being politically-correct.

What? Now something about evil extremism... you mean, like people forcing their beliefs on others? Instead of respecting our constitution of all men are created equal.

"We are the greatest nation in the history of the earth." I think Rome thought that. Then fell. Then Great Britain. Ditto. I think Germany thought this, or at least I know this came out of Hitler's mouth a few times. Also fell.

Mike Huckabee takes the stage. Where's his guitar?
He is the former Governor of Arkansas.

"I'd like to thank the elite media for uniting the Republican party," he says. Boy they are just after the media today aren't they? They want to castrate them so people don't listen. Wonder what they are worried will come out.

And when they say "elite", I always think they're picking on people that are smart.

"His (Obama) election would elevate our taxes". Fear taxes.

He's talking about oil now like it's the holy grail. Something about driving your SUV"s and you can't afford gas. Sounds like he's encouraging people to consume oil. Monster hungry, needs more oil. More oil. Feed the monster. Republican feed monster. This is like when Rumsfeld was in charge of marketing aspartame (CEO of Searle) and in addition to launching a smear campaign against saccharine, managed to put the harmful chemical in every soda, yogurt and cereal on the market. Only now are people waking up to the fact that it's bad for you. Click here or here to read about it. Eat more oil. Eat more oil. We will feed you more oil.

Once again, please rent Who Killed the Electric Car?

"In my small little town where I grew up our three sacred heroes were Jesus, Elvis and FDR," he says. Then he talks about his dad working hard and being poor. "My father was like many of your dads...."

What these Republicans are and will do is try to identify with the poor. Because of course, everyone is now poor in the country.  

Is it bad that my three sacred heroes are Oprah, Sondheim and Eleanor Roosevelt?

"I'm a Republican not because I grew up rich. It's because I was poor and I didn't want to wait my whole life for the government to rescue me."

I can't decide whether to vomit, drink a bottle of tequila or eat an entire pie.

You are not bailing us out, republicans, you are digging a hole deep in the ground and pushing people in while telling them to enjoy the taste of dirt.

"McCain is the most experienced." That's because he is the oldest. I mean, do you let your 72 grandfather even drive a car much less run the country?

Now he's talking about McCain being shot out of the air and taken prisoner. "He could have said just a few words and renounced his country to alleviate his pain, but he didn't."

He did. He did. He signed papers. He admits this!

"He can't even lift his arms which is a constant reminder of what he has already given."

He signed papers and sang like a canary while he was tortured! He admits it. Let's face it, who wouldn't? When I got my ears pierced I think I gave up my entire elementary school class. But don't say you didn't when you did. page 193 in McCain's own book, Faith of My Fathers, he admits giving info for medical treatment.

This is a lie. So he is a liar. I'm done with Huckabee.

Meanwhile, we are doing the exact same thing in Guantanamo now. Right now. Torturing people.

7:00 Rudy Giuliani takes to the podium to deliver the Keynote Speech.
What key is that? The key of B afraid?

Makes me sick to my stomach because he has made SO MUCH money because of 9/11.

7:04 Tries to discredit "Hollywood Celebrities"*. Other than Paris Hilton calling McCain "an old gray haired dude" I haven't seen too many celebrity endorcements.

7:05 Mentions POW status five minutes in. "He has sacrificed as few do!" That's not true. Millions have sacrificed in just the same way between the Revolutionary War, The Civil War, WWI, WWII, Korea, Vietnam, Iraq I and now Iraq II not to mention all the little squirmishes and secret missions.

God. Now we're getting the entire history of his military service again. Didn't this yolk watch Thompson's speech last night?
"He has proved his commitment with his blood." Dear god, are you going to have Sam Peckinpaw direct this film!?

7:10 He picks on Obama for being a community organizer - which makes the crowd laugh and cheer. As he rattles off Obama's resume, the crowd boos.

Then to Obama's 130 "present" votes. Obama actually voted PRESENT as not to create any problems later because he knew he would be running for office. A "yes" or a "no" creates something that can come back and haunt you. Yeah, I know, shitty, but there it is.

He calls Obama a "celebrity Senator". Rudy is tossing raw meat to the crowd. He's also patting himself on the back, "I didn't vote present when I was Mayor of New York". Then, "He never lead anything in a time of crisis."

Stop talking about yourself. Oh, now he thinks he is reaching out to the Latino vote. LOL. "He has lead nada." One more time, wait for it, wait for it... "Nada!"

"This is no time for on the job training." Sarah Palin much?

Now he's quoting Hillary and Biden in their negative campaigns they ran against Obama. "Oh, you never thought Hillary would get applause at this convention!" Um, but she got cheers when Palin talked about her at her nomination. But of course, Rudy is still bitter because he had to drop out of the NY Senate race in 2000 because she was fucking KICKING HIS ass.

"For four days in Denver the Democrats would not mention "Islamic Terrorist", maybe they were scared of offending terrorists. They didn't mention the events in September 11. They are in denial about what happened. " Followed by an odd a non sequitur to John McCain.

My tummy hurts. This convention is better than swallowing a parasite for losing weight.

Now about Obama's flip flopping on Jerusalem . "If I were Biden, I'd ask for the VP nomination in writing!"

Now he's quoting McCain, "We are all Georgians!" Um, some more than others. Since I'm sure you know these guys were on Georgia's side in attacking those cities. One of McCain's key advisers was a lobbyist paid $200,000 by the Georgian government to lobby on their behalf.

Re: The town Sarah Palin was Mayor of: "Sorry Obama - it's not flashy enough. Not cosmopolitan there. Maybe they cling to religion there." God, crowd to their feet. Are you kidding me? You know she left that town in a deficit, right? She entered, balanced budget. She left, $22 million deficit. No kidding.

Rudy looks like he really loves himself right now.

Shot of Cindy McCain holding the downe baby and Palin's husband, who is a member of the Alaskan Independent Party, not to be confused with our national Independent Party. The Alaskan group wants secession from the US. Really. Sarah spoke at their convention this year.

Rudy goes long. What else is new, he loves listening to himself talk.

If you would like to know why Rudy Giuliani turns my stomach, I encourage you to follow this link to read this thorough Vanity Fair article about his business practices and his post 9/11 positioning.

7:35 Sarah Palin takes the stage.

She accepts the nomination. Told you!

She addresses the family of special needs children. God, please please please don't use your child for votes. Oops, just did. "You will have an advocate in the White House!" Unless, of course, you're for stem cell research.

She mentions her husband's Eskimo heritage. Going for that Eskimo vote. Once again, as far as the husband goes, follow that link to the Alaskan Independent Party.

7:40 "Every woman can walk through every door of opportunity." She is right. After her nomination, you can honestly say ANYONE can run for office.

I'm getting sick to my stomach again. Wait, why don't I have a bottle of wine open?!

"I had the priveldge of spending most of my life in a small town. I was a hockey mom and I signed up for the PTA." Should she follow this with, "Then I shot a moose. From an airplane." ? Now she made a very funny joke: "What's the difference between a pit bull and a hockey mom? Lipstick." And Vick probably doesn't fund a fighting ring for them.

And just like a housewife with a credit card, she charged up $22 million in debt as Mayor.

"They like to pick on me being mayor. I guess being mayor is like being a community organizer only you have actual responsibilities." Like spending money. Passing laws to endanger wildlife. Drilling in the reserve. Banning books at the library.

She makes fun of Obama for saying the simple folk cling to their guns and their religion. I'm so scared right now that the people clinging to their religion and guns will run this country. Because, you know, they don't like us. You know, by us I mean those of us with good educations, that don't belong to the NRA, that aren't Christian and are off-white in any way (black, latino, arab, American Indian).

She's got something in common with Obama - she's a good speaker.

They are booing the media now for picking on her since she's not a member of the "Washington elite". The crowd not only BOOS but also starts chanting NBC, NBC, NBC!

Okay, hold please. Switching on my other browser to etrade to buy stock in NBC.

They've really been picking on the media today. It's an attack. It's interesting, because the media vetted Palin because the Republican party only spent one day doing it and clearly missed a few things.

Shots of the rather thin crowd. Funny, nowhere are there any signs that say "republican".

I see scary people.

She talks about "true reform" and "we shook things up in Alaska". "We put Alaskan government back on the side of the people." The people of the Alaskan Independent Party. You know why they want to separate from the US? So they can make money drilling in national land, which the US hasn't let them do.

Now that I've bought my stock in NBC/Universal, I'm going to open that wine while this woman talks extensively about the 22 months of experience she has being governor.

7:52 "We have to give this country back to the people!" The white people, that is, with the guns and religion. Oh, not any religion. The right religion.

I opened a diet root beer because I needed something stronger than wine.

"We need to drill and refine our own oil!" No, you stupid fucking bitch, we need to manufacture electric cars!! Please everyone, Netflix Who Killed the Electric Car?

7:56 PM "We need sources of resources produced by American workers!" Well, tell that to your Republican party special corporate lobbyists. It's those American companies you give tax breaks to that are outsourcing absolutely everything to China and India.

Oh my god, no she didn't! Did she just pick on Obama's stage at the convention? "When those styrofoam sets are shipped back to some Hollywood lot...." Who wrote that, it's very clever.

Is it just me, or would you really like to see a smack down between Obama and Palin? I mean, "debate". I would pay money for that.

Also, who's going to play Palin on Saturday Night Live? Should they bring back Tina Fey?

"What does he (Obama) really hope to accomplish? He wants to take your money and reduce the strength of America in a dangerous world.... terrorists still want to inflict harm on America and he's worried that someone won't read them their rights."

Oh no she didn't. Wait, there's a rumbling. John Adams and George Washington just turned over in their graves.

What's soo soo soo wrong with that, is the crowd lept to their feet cheering. God is weeping.

I'm so sad for the soul of our nation right now I could eat an entire pie with a gallon of rocky road on it.

With that statement I have to say that the republicans have been really right for the last twenty years with one agenda - less money for public education. If you make and keep the American public stupid, they won't see what's wrong with the above statement. And believe me, they don't.

Also, I think Sarah believes our founding fathers wrote the pledge of allegiance. ("If it was good enough for our founding fathers, it's good enough for me!") Um, the pledge was written I believe by a Baptist minister and established after WWII.

This is why I really do like it when our politicians have those Ivy League educations. Really. They generally have a grasp of history and a knowledge of what happens when powers with hubris ignore it.  I know it and seriously, I took basic basic history 101 in college and probably got a C.

Where can I order a pie this time of night and have it delivered?

8:06 "Biden and Obama like to say they'd fight for you, but there is only one candidate that has ever really fought for you."
Enough with Vietnam. Jesus.

Listen, my dad fought in WWII and also served in Korea and Vietnam. And all my relatives of a certain age - may they all rest in peace- served in WWII. My Uncle Joe was a foot soldier and my Aunt Kay was a combat nurse. My mom was a WAVE Stateside in WWII, dropping out of college to join the service when the war broke out.

As far as "those who have sacrificed" I watched the coverage of the vets against the war outside the RNC last night. Most of those guys had missing limbs from serving in Vietnam and they were AGAINST the war. In fact, one of them said they were sick of hearing McCain called a "hero" because he flew flighter jets over villages and dropped bombs on civilians and children. The vet said, "There is nothing heroic in that."

Maybe little miss should read "All Quiet on the Western Front".

"If character matters in this election..." she says and I can't stop thinking of her underage child drinking and getting pregnant. I mean, the American Government has to be harder to deal with than raising a teenager, right?

8:12 pm. Dear god, it's finally over. How am I going to sleep tonight?!

Oh god. I think I'm going to vomit. McCain just walked on stage along with Palin's entire family. I actually feel...not sorry but just bad for McCain. You know he didn't pick Palin. He had to pick her. She brings the Evangelical vote. I can't see these two working together because they seem nothing alike.

"Don't you think we made the right choice for the next vice president of the United States? " McCain says sorta like "These are not the droids you are looking for". Then he adds, "And what a beautiful family!" When they're not out shooting things, drinking hard, conspiring to secede from the US or having unprotected sex.

My thoughts. She's a great speaker. So's Obama. So was Hitler people! Why do you think they put him up for nomination? He started as a speaker for the party, he went around talking to people and was so popular they put him in office. When will this country look past rhetoric and propaganda?!

What is wrong with this country?

"All that is needed in order for evil to succeed in this world is for enough good people to do nothing."

Please everyone, vote.

Please everyone, if you care about anything, donate to those lobbying and non profit groups that share your views.

Whole Foods is still open, I can get to the freezer section in 15 minutes and buy lots of ice cream. When you see me again and I'm fat, blame the republican convention.

To read about Sarah Palin click here.

*Also, don't you think they should stop picking on Obama for being a "celebrity" when you look at the newstands this week?

3 pithy remarks. Click here to Comment:

Anonymous said...

Great post... I'll link to it on my Best Lesbian Links site ( we have to do all we can do to make sure these clowns do NOT move into the White House!!

Danny said...

Great post JD, thank you!

As for SNL, they definitely are going to enjoying making fun of her on the show. I agree that Tina Fey would be amazing; however, think that Kristen Wiig will likely get that gig. (She will also make a good Palin.)

Anonymous said...

If I could run as much as that does, I'd be...well, wow! But, the elite was useful in printing terms...thanks.